I received an "URGENT." job offer...


So I got a fun email a while back and thought I'd share. Somehow this email slipped through all the junk mail filters. As soon as I saw it sitting in my inbox I already knew it was spam, but I was interested, so I opened the email and began to read.


The email starts off...

Ok, wow. Obviously this letter is very urgent. It is so urgent. It is urgently urgent.


It continues...

"I am looking for a friendly, simple & trust worthy..." Wow, I think I was just insulted. Also, don't even get me started on this dude's punctuation and grammar. And then I find it interesting that this guy somehow believes that taking 3-6 hours out of my every day (which could be increased) still leaves room for a "regular job." Not to mention that fact that I'm in school full time.


This is extremely vague...is there more? Of course.


Ah yes, the processing of the mails. No specification on what kind of mail it is that I'm processing. Or what the heck they even mean by "processing." Is it emails? Snail mail? Chain mail? Am I sorting them? Forwarding them? Alphabetizing? Just reading them and really taking in what the sender said and processing what their message is?



Data entry. Again, no specifications. Do I need computer skills? Typewriter skillz? Is it boring stuff like computer use statistics? Or am I inputting data on the soon-to-be uprising of the new age dragons from Elgon?



"Receive calls/ at specific times." So I'm receiving random calls (Stranger Danger, anyone?), and I am to receive some calls at specific times. This is definitely starting to sound...well, even more fishy.


Ok, I know how this works. You just don't want your real name on the reservations and appointments. And if anyone starts snooping there's no direct connection to you. Some rando you met on the internet made the actual appointment or reservation, right? I have a feeling the flights are either to Canada, Russia, or the Caymans...

And you would just leave me to be the fall guy.... How could you?



"shopping, E.t.c." wow that is SO specific. "...or any other reasonable duty will be allocated to you." That's a big word for such a "simple" assistant. Also, I'm sure in your line of work almost anything could be classified as a "reasonable duty." "Oh we need someone violently murdered? Yeah that sounds reasonable. Oh hey, just give that duty to the random stranger you hired over email."



Not only is this guy an artist, but he is an Artist. With a capital A. Wow. Color me Impressed.



If this guy buys ideas I'm gonna sell him all of mine and get super rich. But I am wondering...are the antics he buys like puppy dog antics? Or Weasley twins antics? What level of antics are we discussing here?



This sentence actually sounds mostly normal, even though it is poor in grammar and punctuation. But the kicker comes next...

"I am most very often get my hands occupied."

...

I don't even know what to say to that.


I'm so glad that you think I'm worthy. Me. The "simple" random stranger you just sent a job offer to over email. (Do you think this means I can wield Mjolnir?)



This is probably the most well put together and logical sentence in the whole email. I totally get that, dude. Too bad everything else is shady as a forest after dark.


I am so glad that I will have "every instructions" to help guide me in my new job. Those original duty descriptions were rather vague...


Wow, somehow just telling me that you're in Canada gives credence to everything you've said so far. Good job.


Wait. So you're gonna pay me before I even do anything?! Are there no "Sears, Walmart, Best buy, and other stores" where you're at? (And is where you are at prison by any chance?)


"Your fee for each job will be $300 for 4 hours every week." I'm sorry, what happened to "3-6 hours daily"?!?!! We cut down our work hours by nearly 80%?!?!!?!???! Also that is a wage of $75 an hour!!!!! That is exorbitant! Now I know whatever you want me to do is illegal. You wouldn't be paying $75/hr. for some menial shopping job. Plus, this guy is "prepared to pay for mileage/travel expense." To shop at local stores?? I don't think so. You should offer to pay for my funeral expenses instead, since I'm pretty sure that's where I'll end up if I work for you.



Ok, so first I was going to get "every instructions" but now I'm reduced to only getting a "clear set of instructions" and "sufficient funds"??


What happened to all the shopping???


What about those phone calls "/ at specific times"?????


What happened to "3-6 hours daily" and "4 hours every week"???!?!?!!!?!



Oh my gosh, and now I'm down to only getting "adequate instruction." Every time this guy talks I get promised less and less in the way of information/instructions.


What, so you don't need all of my bank information? ...I'm hurt.


Oop, now we're back up to a "clear set of instructions." Hang on...that sounds really familiar.



Yah, me too, dude. Me too. I would love to meet a mobster face-to-face.


Didn't you...didn't you just say exactly this in the paragraph before?...



Wow. Didn't even sign with his name...unless his name is Sincerely.




In the end: I'm pretty sure this was either a job offer from the mob (or some sort of organized crime anyway) or attempted sex trafficking. 2 out of 5 stars, while the $75/hour thing nearly got me, the grammar and punctuation killed me. Sorry, Mr. Sincerely.


Tips:

  • Be more specific

  • Fix your grammar, punctuation, and capitalization

  • Fix the contradictory job specifications

  • Really push the whole $75/hour thing, that might actually get someone đź‘Ť





The full email if you're interested...