Theory: I am a sleeper agent. No clue for who. No clue for how long I have been one. No clue for what purpose. But either I am a deadly agent awaiting activation, or I am a deadly agent already activated but only operating during the nights.

Proof: Whoooo boy I have so much proof for this one.

I lived in the same room of the same house for 26+ years. How did I consistently mess up turning on/off my own bedroom lights? It was one of these guys-

Exhibit A, Your Honor

As it got older, it got a bit touchy and wouldn't always turn on when you hit it, so I got more aggressive in hitting it and this resulted many times in me accidentally turning the lights on/off/on rapid-fire. On my really off times I would turn the lights on and off again several times before I stopped spazzing and turned it on more intentionally. This is obviously some sort of code. Specific patterns and timings of on/off/on mean different things. Plus, this didn't change when the light switch changed. My Dad wanted to surprise me by replacing the light switch since it had gotten so bad, so he switched it out when I was gone for a few hours. I didn't even notice it until he told me (it was a bright day and I didn't need the light, ok?), at which point I felt some immediate panic. Well, ok, first- I screamed, then I panicked a little. Why? Supposedly it's because I hate change and I hadn't been prepared for that seemingly inconsequential constant to ever change on me, but...what if I worried about my code transmitting abilities being affected by this change in hardware? Sending and receiving signals is a pretty large part of being a spy or agent of any kind. This leads to my next proof.

The window in my bedroom is very large. This gives me a great view out into our neighborhood. It also gives a great view in whenever I decide to raise up the blinds. This leads to several obvious code variations. When I receive flowers from other people or buy them for myself I will place them in different arrangements in my window. Sometimes "completely randomly" I will hang things from my blinds, like different colored bandanas. I will often "on a whim" decide to raise my blinds to different degrees. All of these are messages. I don't know what I'm saying, who I'm saying it to, or where I am being observed from, but-

And speaking of my window...whenever I rearranged my room over the years I would almost always make sure that the new arrangement left me a good view out the window at all times. When my sister moved out I had the option of moving into her room. It was slightly bigger and also had good windows, but I turned it down. What child, when presented with the option for a bigger room turns it down? Little sleeper agent me who apparently must be able to keep an eye on all the comings and goings of the neighborhood at all times. See her room is bigger, and the windows are lovely, but the only view they have is of the backyard.

I had a period around the age of 12 where I was absolutely fascinated with everything SPY. I wanted to be a spy. I had a box full of spy toys. I had a spy-themed birthday party. And then, one day the fascination was gone. Oh no, I could never be a spy. Because rather suddenly I have ~*anxiety*~. If that's not a cover-up...

I made a very good friend in college, and then one day they just disappeared. I don't make friends easily, and it was almost creepy how fast this guy and I just clicked. We wrote an award-winning play together. Spent hours upon hours together working on it, and then just hanging out after it was finished. And then he was just gone. He had barely any presence on social media, and what was left behind was totally dead. So with this proof we have two options: One. He was a fellow agent sent to check up on me, help me, update my training, etc. Or two. He was an unfortunate casualty. I couldn't have someone getting that close that quickly and he had to be taken out.

And now we come to two of my most solid pieces of proof.

What the heck do I do in the nights??!!!! I often wake up with bruises in odd shapes and places, strange tears and holes in my pajamas, sore muscles that feel like I was working out too hard in my sleep, feeling utterly exhausted, or my legs feeling like I've been running all night. I also had a huge sleep-walking problem when I was younger. As an adult, we laugh it off saying I sleep fight. But on the inside, I'm dead serious. As an agent I have to keep in shape somehow, but I can't be obvious about it. Training in my sleep is the logical conclusion here.

And finally, I was literally was triggered once. I was watching a TikTok. A guy was talking about the weather and said, "You feel that? A storm's coming," and I literally went oh shit, really? and jumped up off my bed and was halfway to my go-bag across the room before I stopped myself. And, by the way, what normal citizen meticulously builds and keeps a go-bag around "for fun"??

The TikTok in question.

So, to summarize, we have: deeply ingrained codes that are activated seemingly at random, a need to constantly be able to see all activity in the area of my place of residence, a fascination at a young age with espionage that was suddenly replaced with anxiety and a painfully shy personality, a close friend that appeared and disappeared rapidly and mysteriously, a history of somnambulance and physical evidence of exertion during the night when I was supposedly sleeping, an almost total lack of memories from childhood to about 2 years before whatever the current date is (did I forget to mention that one?), and at least one confirmed trigger phrase that has since been deactivated due to it's (possibly) faulty activation (it may have been more of a maintenance test).

Conclusion(s): Come to your own if you want, but to me the proof is indisputable. If you have another theory that fits, let me know in the comments!

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