The Man in the Wall

The biggest conspiracy theory in my own home, The Man in the Wall has been around for a while. In fact, I finally convinced both my mother AND father of his existence as well (I know because they have started blamed him for things).

The Man in the Wall is pretty self explanatory...there is a man (a very thin man) living in our walls. He is benign, and most of the time has no influence or interaction with our lives in the house. However, the re-occurring proof I have of his existence includes: food that runs out way too fast (we are three people with regular eating habits. We know how fast the food should go, and it should not have been that fast), extra creaks in the house (the house is slightly older than I am, but I have lived in it my entire life [25+ years] and I know the creaks and groans it makes and those weren't them), and things that move mysteriously around the house (I know where I left that, and it wasn't there, and no one moved it). Also, sometimes I see things in the house that I swear weren't there this fire extinguisher!

I was walking in from the garage one day with my Mom and stopped, shocked, when I saw it mounted on the wall. "Has that always been there?!" I asked in disbelief. She thought so, but couldn't really say for sure when it had been put there. There is dust on top like it's been there for a while, but I've seen Mission Impossible...they have cobweb machines! Do you know how easy it is to just put dust on something?! Conclusion: The Man in the Wall would just like us to stay safe and realized we could use a fire extinguisher in the garage to help accomplish that. Also, he lives here, too, so it is in his interest as well to help ensure the safety of the house/hold.

There is also the occasional thought that he might perhaps be behind the missing clothes from the washer and dryer, as well. If that's the case, the poor man is wearing some socks with really loose elastic and my favorite Paris sweater! (I don't care about the socks but I would like the sweater back, please!)

Now, if you know me, then you know that I often have bruises all over my body and most of the time have absolutely no clue where they came from. One morning I woke up with another bruise, which was normal for me, but I knew this time it was different. Why had the bruise shown up overnight? And why was it shaped like fingers that had encircled my arm? As usual I had no idea what could have caused the bruise, but its severity, extra odd shape, placement, and the fact that it had appeared sometime in the night led me to the knowledge that it had come from The Man in the Wall. I was worried. He had always been an almost negligible presence in our household, and had never before had any direct contact with any of us, let alone any sort of harmful or malicious intent! I brooded for a day before I realized what must have happened. Obviously I had been sleep fighting again (that's a whole other theory), but had met a foe beyond my capabilities or perhaps too many adversaries at once. Whatever the case, The Man in the Wall had been out for his nightly excursion and seen my battle when he realized my predicament. He saw that I was about to get sliced to bits and realized that he must either intervene directly to help me or become an accessory to my murder as a passive bystander. He grabbed my arm and yanked me out of the way at the last second, saving my life, but leaving a bruise in the aftermath. All he could do at that point was return to the wall and hope to remain an unnoticed and inconsequential member of the household. Well, Sir, your presence has been noted and your bravery will be remembered. And as thanks I will move on in my life and pay no more attention to you than I ever did before. I will never face you in battle as an enemy, but perhaps some night we might fight side by side and combine our skills for the greater good.

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